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Senate to probe Huluga sex scandal
 
By Elson T. Elizaga
 

CAGAYAN DE ORO -- Senators Loren Legarda and Bong Revilla are pushing for the investigation of the destruction of Huluga, after watching a DVD showing Dr. Hayden Kho and a still unidentified lady having sex in the Open Site.

In an exclusive interview with ABS-CBN, Revilla explained Kho might have “desecrated a site that’s not only important to the Filipino people but to the rest of the world”.

Kho, a member of the Heritage Preservation Society (HERPS), explained he made the video last week to call attention to the wanton neglect of archaeological and heritage sites in the country.

"Huluga was damaged in 2003 by the city government of Cagayan de Oro, and Senator Legarda failed to fulfill her promise to investigate the issue, that's why I created this video”, Kho explained during a lunch interview at Fernando’s Hideaway, a restaurant in Huluga.

Kho also said he wanted to make the document inside one of the caves of Huluga, but it was too dark, and became extremely crowded when guides from a white-water rafting expedition led by Jerome Garcia came inside to watch for "anthropological reasons".

A press release from the City Information Office condemns Kho's video, calling it "an irresponsible stunt by a frustrated porn actor", but members of the City Historical and Cultural Commission claim possession of Kho's underwear. "It's a rare artifact and should be displayed in the city museum", a member said, pointing to the front side of the garment, which bears the print "Protect Our Heritage".

Kho’s underwear and a luminous condom were recovered by members of the Archaeological Studies Program of the University of the Philippines. The team made a hasty survey in the Open Site in search of signs of Kho’s performance, after being instructed by the National Museum to “assess the damage”.

“These objects are rare but unlikely scandalous,” said the team leader Leee Anthony Neri, holding the found artifacts during a press conference in Park View Hotel in the middle of the city. [Leee Anthony Neri is often misspelled as Lee Neri in news articles.]

“Hold your horses, Leee”, Dr. Antonio J. Montalvan II stood up in the room. “In fact, Kho’s act is cultural terrorism”. Montalvan is an anthropologist and the curator of the Museum of Cultural Terrorism in Capitol University.

Hans Brandeis, a German ethnomusicologist who also attended the presscon, said the meeting was a complete waste of time. “I thought there was a concert of Higaonon musicians playing Haydn”, the scholar said.

Kho left for Manila this morning amid the controversy, chased by screaming fans from the Bureau of Internal Revenue, but promised reporters he will return to Cagayan de Oro to make another sex video at the Night Cafe. Black square indicates end of article. 

 

 
People mentioned in this spoof are real but the story is fiction. Any resemblance to historical events is intentional.Copyright © Elson T. Elizaga.